


Murphy's Picnic

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-12
Updated: 2007-07-12
Packaged: 2019-02-02 03:16:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12718545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: The team gets a chance to relax together on their day off, but they can't escape Murphy's Law.





	Murphy's Picnic

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Written for the J/D Ficathon from a prompt by goddessleila who asked for "An utterly normal day going completely wrong in a no-aliens-involved sort of way". Thanks to my betas Mare, AnnO and Barb.   


* * *

Murphy's Picnic  
By Cowardly Lion

 

The instant he woke, even before his eyes opened, Jack began assessing his surroundings. It was dark, warm and humid. He couldn’t remember bivouacking the team in a cave, although that would explain the slightly musky smell to the air, but whatever he was lying on was far too soft to be his sleeping bag. Some barely felt thing tickled his cheek. Lifting his head, he realized it was full daylight. He was in bed, curled up on his side. Daniel was lying on his back, arms flung up over his head. Jack’s face had been buried in his partner’s armpit, covering his eyes and reflecting his own breath back to him with every exhale. 

Oh yeah. The team had returned well past midnight local time after an exhausting and fruitless three day slog around Planet Bupkiss. They cleared their post mission physicals and hauled ass home, dropping into bed around oh-two-thirty in the morning. At least today they could relax with friends. Jack checked the time. Crap. They were going to be late – really late – for Cassie’s birthday picnic. 

Shaking his partner awake, Jack sang out, “Wake up, sleepyhead.” 

Daniel cracked one bleary eye, huffed a couple of rude words at him, and rolled onto his side. 

“Oh, no you don’t.” Jack shook him some more. “Come on, Sleeping Beauty. Time to hustle.” Getting his attention, he pointed to the silent alarm clock. 

Daniel squinted then swore as he leapt out of bed. The two men hurried through their morning routine. Within minutes, they were dressed in jeans and short sleeved shirts, ready to go. 

“I know we got in really late after a hard mission, but it’s not like you to oversleep,” commented Daniel as he put one foot on the edge of the bed to tie his shoe. 

“Somebody woke me up at oh-five-hundred and spent the next hour wearing me out.” The teasing tone belied his carping words. 

Jack was at the bathroom mirror, running his hand through his hair, trying to get his cowlick to stay down. Daniel kept telling him the cowlick –very unlinguistically referred to as ‘sticky uppy hair’ – made him look cute. Since he was aiming for “ruggedly handsome” the cute comment annoyed the crap out of him. Besides, the crazy hair made him look like Alfalfa from those old black and white “Our Gang” movies. He dropped his hands to his sides and gave up. Damn thing had a will of its own. He watched in the mirror as Daniel stepped up behind him. Strong arms wrapped around his waist as he leaned back into the embrace. 

“As I recall, it was you who woke me.” Daniel rested his chin against Jack’s shoulder. 

“You were humping my leg in your sleep.” They smiled at each other in the mirror. “How could I resist?” He turned to give him a quick hug and kiss, then pushed him toward the bedroom door. “No time for seconds. We’ll be late as it is. The barbecue stuff is in the truck already. You grab our swimsuits and towels and the presents. I’ll get the cooler. We’ll pick up ice and soda on the way.” 

Daniel veered toward the dresser for the suits then followed Jack into the hallway. “We never wrapped the presents.” Stopping at the linen closet, he waited as Jack added two beach towels to his load. “We were going to do it this morning, remember? 

Jack headed toward the basement stairs, glad he’d had the foresight to rinse out the cooler before they left on the mission. “We don’t have time now. Just tear off some wrapping paper and bring the scissors and tape. Carter can wrap them at the park.”

“We shouldn’t keep asking Sam to wrap presents for us.” Daniel’s voice drifted in from the dining room. Jack heard rustling then drawer slamming as he snapped up the bag with Cassie’s presents then went looking for the wrapping paraphernalia. “Next time, buy some gift bags.” 

“Are you kidding?” Jack shouted over his shoulder as he headed down the stairs for the cooler. “Carter lives for this stuff!” 

~ ~ ~ ~~~ 

A harried looking teenager with plump pink cheeks was the only employee working the bakery counter at the grocery store. As Sam and Teal’c waited – and waited – Sam heard the girl apologize to customer after customer. Apparently most of the bakery staff was either on vacation or out sick. Sam wished she had worn sneakers with her jeans instead of loafers. After all the hiking on P5Y-3T7, standing on a tile floor in hard shoes was making her feet hurt. Finally, after 20 minutes, it was their turn. 

Hoping to speed things up, Sam held up one hand to forestall the automatic apology. “Hi…” she glanced at the name tag, “Tracy. I’m here to pick up a birthday cake and balloons. The order is under the name of Carter.” 

Tracy scurried off, wispy blonde hair straying out from the edges of her hairnet wiggling with the breeze of her movement. She returned with a rectangular cake box, the strings to a half-dozen Mylar balloons clenched between the fingers of one hand. Teal’c took the balloons from her as she placed the box on the counter in front of Sam. As the order was rung up, Sam flipped back the box lid. 

“Excuse me, but this isn’t right.”

The girl looked up, eyes wide, finger poised midair over the “Total All” key on the register. Sam was reminded of a startled rabbit, one second away from fleeing to safety. She gave herself a mental shake to dispel the image but made a point of speaking calmly to the girl. 

“This isn’t the design I ordered,” Sam explained. “Plus the age is wrong and the name is misspelled.”

Tracy peered into the box then checked the order slip attached to it. 

“No, this is right. Design number 18 for a four year old.” 

“I ordered design number four for an 18 year old and that should be an I not a T. Her name is Cassie.” 

Tracy looked panicked. “I’m so sorry. We can redo it. Can you come back tomorrow to pick it up?” 

Sam hated to add to the girl’s troubles, but they had to take the cake with them. “No, I can’t come back tomorrow. The picnic is today. We’re on our way there right now.”

“But we can’t fix it now.” Lip quivering, Tracy looked as though she might cry. “Everyone is out today. This isn’t even my department. I don’t know where everything is and all the customers keep yelling at me like it’s all my fault, but I’m trying really hard.” 

Sam spoke quickly, hoping to head off an outburst. “That’s okay, I understand.” Picking up the complimentary cheap plastic cake knife, she quickly excised frosting from the T to make it an I, then smeared the big number four in the middle of the design. “See? All better. I’ll take it, Care Bears and all.” 

Still watery-eyed, Tracy finished ringing up the purchase. The poor girl was overwhelmed. Sam hoped the manager sent someone to help her, soon. Plucking her debit card from her wallet, Sam swiped it through the machine. Nothing happened. She swiped it again. Still nothing. Cursing under her breath, she opened her wallet and realized she was out of cash. Right. She meant to hit the ATM on the way here and completely forgot. 

“Please. Allow me.” The deep voice rumbled next to her ear as Teal’c leaned in to swipe his own card through the machine. The transaction went right through and they were on their way. 

The minute they stepped outside the bright sunlight blinded them. Squinting, she held one hand up to her forehead to shade her eyes. Too bad she had left her sunglasses in the car. As they walked through the parking lot Sam commented, “I noticed your card had the name Murray O. Chulak on it. What does the O stand for?” 

“Of.” 

“You’re kidding. Murray OF Chulak?” She shook her head. “I never understood why they don’t let you use your actual name instead of Murray.”

“It was thought to be too unusual and therefore likely to attract unwanted attention.”

Sam looked over her friend’s six foot four inch, broad, muscular frame currently dressed in skintight black jeans, running shoes, a short sleeved shirt with a loud Hawaiian print in green, yellow, and white topped by a white Panama hat with a scarlet hat band. “Oh yeah, because otherwise - you blend,” she grinned. “And ‘Of Chulak’ won’t attract the attention that ‘Teal’c’ would?” 

“So it would seem.” 

Sam rolled her eyes. “Bureaucrats,” she snorted. 

As early as it was, the heat from the pavement was already rolling up around them. A light breeze took the edge off somewhat. Still, she’d be glad of the air conditioning in the car. Unlocking it, she placed the balloons in the back then slid gracefully into the driver’s seat. Teal’c carefully sat in the front with the cake perched on his knees. She clicked her seatbelt into place then helped Teal’c with his. 

“Well, that took a lot longer than it should have, but we should still be able to get there on time.” Putting her key in the ignition, she turned it. Nothing happened. She sighed. “I knew I shouldn’t have said that.” 

She pulled the hood release as she got out to take a look.

~ ~ ~ ~~~

Expertly guiding the truck through the Saturday morning traffic, Jack soon pulled into a 7-11 on Union Boulevard. He had gotten his second wind and was feeling chipper, but Daniel was still yawning as they went inside. They each got a cup of coffee, squabbled briefly over which kinds of soda and chips to bring, then joined the checkout line. 

The 20-something guy running the register had spiked purple hair, several facial piercings, and an air of absolute indifference. Despite the number of customers waiting, the clerk moved at a leisurely pace, cracking his gum occasionally. Jack passed the time in line wondering whether the metal of the ring inside the kid’s nose would be more or less likely to accumulate boogers and if the one in his lip would leak when the kid ate soup. After far longer than it should have taken, it was their turn to pay. 

Daniel set the coffees down on the counter. Jack set the soda and chips on the counter next to the coffee, freeing his hands for his wallet. 

“This” Jack nodded at the things on the counter, ”and 4 bags of ice, please.” 

“We’re out of ice.” The gum cracked but otherwise there was no movement from the clerk. 

Jack paused, wallet in hand. “What do you mean, you’re out of ice?”

“We’ve sold out already this morning. *crack* It happens every time the weather is warm on the weekend.” The clerk spoke in a bored monotone. He hadn’t looked at the items on the counter, much less started to ring them up. 

“Maybe you should have planned ahead and ordered more.” Inefficiency, failure to plan, lack of action – this kid was pushing his buttons big time. 

“Maybe you should have planned ahead and gotten here earlier.” One shoulder twitched in a minute shrug. 

His eyes narrowed. As a high ranking officer and a member of an elite team, he was more used to giving attitude than taking it. “My alarm didn’t go off, but that’s not the point.”

“It’s not my fault you old guys are slow to get moving in the morning.” *crack!*

Jack could feel his inner Colonel coming to the fore “Why, you little punkass – “

“Jack!” interrupted Daniel, “it’s okay. We’ll go to the next place.” Jack found himself subtly shifted out of the way as Daniel tossed some money on the counter. “That should take care of everything.” 

Jack found his arms full of 12 packs of soda as Daniel shoved them at him then grabbed the chips and coffee himself. He let Daniel manhandle him out of the store, muttering imprecations the whole way. Venting the last of his annoyance, he jabbed the unlock button on the truck remote harder than necessary. They set the soda and chips in the back seat next to the empty cooler before getting settled in the front seat. 

“There’s another 7-11 right up the road.” Jack eased the truck into traffic, heading north on Union Blvd. “We’ll stop there.” 

“There’s also one south on Union. Why not go to that one?”

“This one’s on the way to the park.” 

“No it isn’t” 

“Yes it is” 

“Isn’t .”

“Is.”

“Jack, we’re already late and you’re taking us farther away from the park.” 

Great. Daniel was getting peevish. At least he didn’t do that – ah. Spoke too soon, thought Jack, as Daniel pointedly shoved his glasses back up his nose. Geez, did the man have to argue with everything he said?

“Daniel, the swimming pool at Portal Park is at the north end of Union Blvd, just minutes away. We won’t be that late.” Jack spoke sharply, hoping to put an end to the discussion. 

“We may be minutes away from Portal Park,” Daniel said with deceptive mildness, “but since the picnic is at Prospect Lake in Memorial Park at the SOUTH end of Union, I don’t think we’re going to make it.” He crossed his arms in that “so there!” gesture that irked Jack every time. 

There was a pause. 

“Prospect?” 

“Yes.”

“Not Portal?”

“No.” 

“Crap.”

“Yep.” 

“Well, since we’re already here we might as well check for ice.” 

Jack turned into the parking lot of the next 7-11. This time they were in luck. It took only a few minutes to fill the cooler with ice and soda, then get back on the road, this time heading south on Union Boulevard. 

Jack flipped open his cell phone, scrolled through his contact list and hit dial. The second the call was picked up, he barked out “Carter! Sit rep! Uh-huh. Need anything? Uh-huh. Okay. Oh, hey – the picnic’s at Prospect Lake, not Por-yeah, well, I didn’t get that memo. Uh-huh. See you there.” He flipped the phone shut and tucked it away. 

“Well?” asked Daniel. 

“Carter’s got the cake, but she had some car trouble. She got it jumpstarted and she and Teal’c are at the auto parts place right now getting a new battery. They’ll probably be a little late.” 

“Should we go help them?”

“Nah. She can handle it. This is Carter, remember? She’ll probably get it done quicker without us.” 

“True.” Daniel rustled through the bags with Cassie’s presents. “Uh-oh. We forgot the sun block.”

“Crap. There’s a Walgreen’s just ahead. We’ll stop there.” 

Mindful of the time-crunch, Jack went in by himself for what he called Surgical Strike Shopping – get in, acquire target, and get the hell out. Although not really a shopper, Daniel tended to get distracted by the stationery aisle. He could spend half an hour browsing through the racks of pens and pencils, obsessed with getting the smoothest writing ones available. He loved color, too. He had the biggest selection of pens with wildly colored ink that Jack had ever seen. 

Jack was much better at staying on target. Even as he thought that, he spied something else that he knew they needed so he picked it off the shelf on his way to the sunscreen. He consoled himself that he wasn’t really off target because he didn’t even slow down to get it. There was a slight hold up due to the long line at the register, but soon he was back at the truck. He slung the plastic bag into the back seat and they were on their way again. 

~~~ ~~~ 

Sam drove slowly past car after car, wondering if there were any spaces left. If they had to, they could always park way over by the ball field, but that would mean a long walk back to the lake. She got enough hiking in her day job. Oh good. There were still a few open spots near the end of the lot. As long as the others arrived soon, they should all be able to park by her. She held the cake box while Teal’c got out, then handed it to him and got out herself. 

They managed to snag the last available picnic table, getting to it one second ahead of a family of four. The wife looked as though she wanted to contest their claim. However the husband took one look at Teal’c and hustled her and the two kids away. The table wasn’t in the best location, being right next to the parking lot and farthest from the lake, but it was surrounded by shade trees and had a grill. Just as they finished brushing off the table, the Colonel and Daniel pulled up. With the practiced ease borne of years of working closely, the four of them had everything set up within minutes and the Colonel got the charcoal started. 

Sam looked around, nodding in satisfaction. “Now all we need is for Janet to bring the guest of honor.” 

“I’m surprised she isn’t here already,” said Daniel, “given how late we all are.” 

“I spoke to her right after the Colonel called. She’s running late too.” 

“Good!” The colonel set a bag on the table. “That’ll give you plenty of time to wrap these.” 

She stared at the bag, then back at him. He gave her a big smile while Daniel lurked apologetically in the background. Teal’c narrowed his eyes fractionally and eased closer to her – his way of showing her his wholehearted support. She was tempted to refuse, but she didn’t want Cassie to arrive and find the unwrapped gifts. Without a word, she dug into the bag and got started. 

“It’s like watching a magic act, isn’t it?” Jack said, seemingly awed.

Too bad for him she knew fully well it was just an act he put on to butter her up. She didn’t wrap presents any better than anyone else. He was just too lazy to do it himself. Time to drag out a spate of the techno-speak that made his eyes glaze over, just to even things up.

“It helps to have a basic understanding of non-Euclidian geometry with a grounding in fluid dynamics and interspatial relationships.” Her hands were a blur of sharp efficient movement. She actually enjoyed wrapping presents. The simple motions were soothing while the completed present gave a sense of accomplishment. She would never admit it, though, or the Colonel would have her wrapping every one of his presents from then on, the big baby. “You really should look into gift bags, sir.” 

“What, and deprive you of the chance to display your skills? Wouldn’t dream of it.” He gave her his best Aren’t I Cute? smirk. 

In return, Sam gave him the non-expression that meant she was cussing him out inside her head despite her neutral tone of voice. “How very thoughtful of you, sir.” He was a good man and an excellent C.O. but some days it was difficult to resist the urge to smack him one. “All done.” She held out the tape and scissors. 

Daniel took the items from her. “Not a moment too soon.” He waved at a vehicle gliding into the spot on the other side of Sam’s car. “Janet’s here.” 

“Sorry we’re late.” Janet popped the trunk as she hopped out of the car. A very tiny, very wrinkled old lady with dark grey hair in a page-boy style sat in the front passenger seat. Cassie and her latest boyfriend got out of the back seat. “I don’t think you’ve met Justin yet, but I’m sure you remember my grandmother.” 

Sam watched in amusement as Daniel and the Colonel jostled each other for the privilege of helping Nana Broussard from the vehicle. Daniel won this time, beaming with sincere pleasure as he took her frail hand in his. The Colonel hovered inches away, just in case a five foot tall, 87 pound old woman was too much for Daniel to handle. Both of them doted on Nana. In return, she indulged them like favored grandsons. When Teal’c once questioned whether only Daniel was young enough to qualify as a grandson, the Colonel quickly refuted the suggestion then spent the rest of that day so obviously pouting that it was never mentioned again.

There were hugs all around as they greeted each other. Janet introduced Justin, a gangly black-haired teenager with a pierced eyebrow but no visible tattoos. Daniel cast a critical eye over the boy, as though assessing a purported antique and discovering a badly done forgery instead. The Colonel gave him that “I know at least eight ways to kill you just with my thumb” look he had perfected after years in Special Ops. Without moving, Teal’c somehow managed to look even bigger, and loooooomed at the boy. They all backed down when Cassie fussed at them for scaring him. Muttering “that was the point”, the Colonel looked defiant. Eyes downcast, Daniel looked a bit sheepish. Teal’c, well, he just looked like Teal’c. Sam hid a grin while Janet rolled her eyes. It would take a special person not to be unnerved by Cassie’s three overprotective “uncles”. 

Unloading the rest of the picnic supplies from Janet’s car, they swapped stories of what made them late. Apparently everyone was having “that kind of day”. Janet had misplaced her car keys. After a protracted search, the keys were found in the kitchen trash of all places. Cassie had broken a shoelace, put on a different pair of shoes, and one of those laces broke also. Wiggling her pink polished toes, she showed off the sandals she ended up wearing. 

“And right as we were about to get in the car,” added Cassie, “Nana disappeared into the bathroom for half an hour.” 

“Cassie! It’s not polite to discuss someone’s bathroom habits,” admonished Sam. 

“Yeah, but half an hour?” 

“Good things come to those who wait,” Nana said solemnly. 

“Ewwww!” Cassie wrinkled up her nose. “And that’s a GOOD thing?” 

Nana winked. “Honey, when you get to be my age, it’s at the top of the list.” 

~ ~ ~ ~~~

After a short time chatting, Cassie persuaded Justin to take a quick dip in the lake with her before lunch and the ladies decided to join them. Jack plopped half a dozen burgers on the grill. As the grill master he would have to wait until after lunch to swim, but at least he would have Daniel and Teal’c here to keep him company. He peeked in the cooler full of meat that Janet had brought. Ooooh, those looked like cheddar bratwurst. He would make sure to reserve at least one for himself. He held one hand about a foot above the grill and frowned. 

“Is something wrong, Jack?” Daniel sipped his ginger ale, one hand tucked casually in the front pocket of his jeans. 

“Doesn’t feel hot enough.” Jack shifted a couple of briquettes then put his hand over the grill again. 

“Is there not a measuring device that could assist you?” 

Jack looked at Teal’c to be sure he wasn’t being kidded before answering, “There are thermometers you can buy, but I’ve been doing this so long I don’t really need one.” 

Teal’c nodded, then focused on something over Jack’s shoulder. “There is a squirrel on the cake”

Jack poked at the coals, more concerned with adjusting the heat than with the design on the cake. “I think it’s some kind of bear,” he said distractedly. 

“You misunderstand me, O’Neill.” Without taking his eyes off of the picnic table behind Jack, Teal’c bent down, snagged an acorn from the ground, and drew back his hand. 

Curious, Jack turned to see a plump squirrel perched on top of the cake box. Nose down, it was sniffing the clear plastic center of the lid as though searching for a way in. Before he could shout to scare it away something whizzed past his face. An acorn thumped the animal in the side. It squeaked then raced off to the safety of the nearest tree. 

“Uh, Teal’c, you can’t go around pelting the squirrels with acorns,” mentioned Daniel. “I’m pretty sure that’s frowned on.” 

“Major Feretti assures me that they are merely long haired rats with good P.R. Do you wish to have rats upon the table?” 

Jack joined in. “Well, no, but you can’t hurt the squirrels, okay? Maybe just,” he waved the spatula to illustrate, “chase them off.” He looked to Daniel for support, only to find that Daniel had wandered off mid-conversation, dammit. 

“I assure you that I took great care not to injure the animal, and shall continue to do so.” Teal’c gathered many more acorns, filling his pockets. “However, this celebration shall be a rodent free zone.” He zinged another acorn into a branch close to the picnic table.

“Now what did you do that for?” protested Jack. “That one was all the way up in a tree.” 

“It was within the newly designated perimeter and was therefore, as you say, fair game.” 

“How are the squirrels supposed to know that?” 

“Perhaps they should read their memos.” 

Jack glared at Teal’c and flipped the burgers in what he hoped was a menacing manner. Teal’c crooked one corner of his mouth up slightly and got that twinkle in his eye which was the Jaffa equivalent of an ear to ear grin. Jack had to concede that it was difficult to appear threatening when dressed in an apron emblazoned with “What’s The Recipe for Beer?”, armed only with a bent spatula and a whole lot of attitude. He opted for a tactical withdrawal in the face of superior forces. 

“So,” he said brightly, “how’re you enjoying the picnic so far?”

“It is most satisfying, O’Neill.” Another acorn went hurtling by. “MOST satisfying.” 

Jack shook his head as Teal’c marched off of his new mission, then checked the coals again. Much better. The burgers should be fine for the next few minutes. Time to get a fresh soda. As he rummaged through the cooler for a cola, he heard a vehicle door shut nearby and looked up. 

Daniel had pulled the Walgreen’s bag from the truck and was walking over to Nana Broussard. Chatting away, he reached into the bag without looking and handed her a plastic bottle. She headed back to the lake with it as Daniel returned to the picnic table. 

Swearing, Jack raced over, snatched the bag from a startled Daniel, then caught up to Nana, who had paused to rest for a moment. Plucking the bottle from her hands, he dropped it into the bag and pulled out the sunscreen. 

“Sorry, Nana. Daniel gave you, um,” Jack thought fast, trying to think of something plausible, “his contact lens solution. I think this is what you were looking for.”

Nana peered at the label on the new bottle. “SPF 50. Oh my, yes. That should be fine.” Leaning in, she whispered, “I don’t think that other stuff would be very useful for an old lady like me.” She patted his arm, then set off for the lake again. 

Jack made a beeline for the truck. Daniel came up to him as he opened the door, looking at him in puzzlement. 

“What was that all about?” he asked. 

“I didn’t think you wanted to send her down to the lake with THIS.” Making sure that no one else could see it, Jack held up a bottle of Astroglide.

“What the f—“ Daniel’s eyebrows flew up and his eyes bugged out. “What was THAT doing in the bag?” He looked shocked. 

“I can’t believe you did that,” Jack chided.

“I didn’t know it was there,” protested Daniel.

“You should have looked.”

“I shouldn’t have to look because THAT,” Daniel gestured sharply, “shouldn’t have been here in the first place!” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What possessed you to bring it to the picnic, Jack?”

That vein in Daniel’s temple was poking up a bit. Jack sometimes used it as a sort of weather gauge to predict how stormy things might get.

“I was already at the store for the sun block and I knew we needed it, so it just seemed more efficient to get both while I was there.” 

“You could have told me!” 

“I didn’t tell you because it didn’t matter.”

“It DID matter!” hissed Daniel. “I gave our sexual lubricant to Janet’s grandmother!” 

“Well if I’d known you were gonna hand it out like party favors, I’d have bought enough for everybody. Jesus, Daniel, what were you thinking?” 

The vein was pulsing now. There was a pause as an incredulous Daniel stared at his partner. “You suck,” he declared flatly, “and I hate you.” 

“The way I suck you should love me for that alone.” Jack waggled his eyebrows, leering at Daniel. “Lucky you, you get the whole charming package.”

There was a long pause as Daniel glowered at him. Uh-oh. Jack should have paid attention to the vein. This was the same stare that he had seen Daniel use to size up Goa’uld System Lords right before taking them apart verbally. A pissed off Daniel could rant with the best, not just tearing you a new asshole, but ripping strips off your hide at the same time. 

As Jack held his ground, trying not to let his smile slip, he had a flashback to a hard-assed Master Sergeant with the unlikely name of Garland Flowers who conducted Special Ops survival training. Nicknamed Gristle, the Sergeant was five feet ten inches tall and 220 pounds of solid muscle. He was also the toughest sumbitch Jack had ever run across then or since. 

“LISTEN UP, LADIES!” bellowed Gristle, standing with one foot casually resting on the neck of Lieutenant Drummond who was sprawled face down in the mud as the cold rain poured down on them all. “If I HAD been a GRIZZLY BEAR, you would all be DEAD MEAT by now. When you are FACED with an ENRAGED animal you must SHOW. NO. FEAR.” Gristle pressed his foot down on Drummond to emphasize his point, “and make NO. SUDDEN. MOVEMENTS!” The noise of his teeth grinding together was barely audible over the sound of the downpour. “Your little PEA-BRAINS would be AMAZED at how OFTEN those two rules COME. IN. HANDY!” 

Exhausted and shivering, the trainees all managed an unenthusiastic “Yes, Sergeant” except for Drummond who was busy trying not to inhale mud. Gristle may have been a prick, but he was right. That advice really had come in handy more times than Jack could recall, today being an excellent case in point. Trying to project an air of unconcern, he waited motionlessly, hoping Daniel would remember they were in public. 

There was a squeak from the branches overhead then a fuzzy little body plopped to the ground between them with a high-pitched “oof!” The squirrel wobbled for the first couple of steps then scampered off to a tree farther away. Eyes still locked together, neither man watched it go but the incident did break the tension between them.

Daniel’s glare eased a smidge, though his lips were still pursed. “I’m going to go help Teal’c menace the wildlife,” he said, then stalked off in the Jaffa’s direction. 

Jack breathed a sigh of relief, stashed the bag under the front seat, and locked the truck. 

~~~ ~~~ 

Sam floated lazily next to Janet in the chest-deep water. Once her lunch had fully digested, she might join Cassie and Justin in their horse play. For now, it was enough to relax and let Janet fill her in on the most recent gossip from the base. In return, she shared some of the little details from SG-1’s missions that weren’t important enough to make it into the reports. An overly enthusiastic round of play from the kids splashed them but she didn’t mind. It was good to see Cassie laughing and happy. Turning back to Janet, she saw her friend looking toward the shore. 

“Looking for the guys?”

“That and making sure Nana is still in the same spot.” 

Sam smiled, thinking of the fuss the Colonel and Daniel had made getting Nana settled into a portable chair at the edge of the lake. They made sure she had a drink and snacks within reach then put her in charge of the sunscreen. Daniel started to hand Nana the historical romance novel she had brought, then got a look at the cover. The instant diatribe on the number and seriousness of the errors in the picture was only brought to a halt when the Colonel snatched the book from him, growling ‘For crying out loud, she’s not reading it for the history, Daniel.” Daniel’s aggrieved retort on the dangers of allowing inaccuracy to spread faded with distance as the Colonel dragged him off to change into their bathing suits. Teal’c lingered by Nana’s side for a bit, suggesting she earmark pages 100 to 103 for special attention along with most of chapters 6, 18 and 25, then he also left to change. 

That was a good fifteen minutes ago. Sam scanned the area from the restrooms to the shore. The guys should be…ah. There they were, making their way past the tables full of picnickers. The Colonel and Daniel were both in the shorts-style of suit. Daniel’s were a dark green with a subdued navy accent while the Colonel’s were in loud shades of yellow and orange in a garish pattern. Bringing up the rear was Teal’c. Dressed in a deep purple Speedo with a matching purple bandana to cover his tattoo, his muscular body was completely on display. Women watched the trio pass and the Colonel put a little extra swagger in his step. They gathered around Nana, made sure she was comfortable. After dropping their towels at her feet they waded out to join her and Janet. 

“So, Jack, did you mug a clown to get that swim suit?” teased Janet.

“I’ll have you know,” he replied mock-archly, “I turned heads as I passed.” 

“Well sure!” grinned Sam. “It was either avert their eyes or go blind.” 

“You should be proud of me – I got it on sale. Isn’t that your favorite word?” 

Janet cocked one eyebrow. “Sale? Are you sure they didn’t pay you to take it?”

Any reply the Colonel would have made was lost as Cassie, yelling “Yeehaw”, leapt on him from behind, dunking both of them underwater. Jack erupted up from the lake, Cassie in his grip, and flung her away to splash in the water, drenching everyone within ten feet. Sam wiped the drops out of her eyes as Cassie popped up, giggling. 

“That was awesome! Throw me again!”

As the Colonel obliged, Teal’c advanced on Sam while Daniel surged toward Janet. With a triple splash, the horseplay began in earnest. There was a brief time out when a particularly vigorous throw of Teal’c’s had Janet surfacing without the halter top of her bikini. Luckily the water was deep enough to cover her. Sam dove around, sifting her fingers along the silty bottom of the lake until she found it. Helping her friend get the top back on, she made sure the strings were double knotted the way she did her own. Once everything was secure, the games began again. 

Eventually, winded from all roughhousing, they played a few sedate rounds of Marco Polo. Cassie’s boyfriend Justin turned out to be remarkable good at finding people with his eyes closed, though the Colonel’s ability to hold his breath under water was more than a match for the boy. 

After a couple of hours in the lake, Sam was tired, prune fingered, and a little headachey from the sun, so when Janet left to help Nana, she was glad to go with her. Waking Nana from her nap, the ladies retreated to the picnic table to nibble the leftover food. The Colonel and Daniel wandered up about half an hour later. Last to leave the lake were Teal’c and the kids. The rest of the day passed in quiet conversation, the shared retelling of favorite stories, and the remaining cake. Sam let the feeling of camaraderie wash over her as they all relaxed under the shady trees. Well, they all relaxed except Teal’c who was still on squirrel patrol, though he didn’t pursue it with his earlier zeal. 

Late afternoon trailed into early evening and the picnic wound to a close. Most of the tables around them were already empty. The Colonel got the ball rolling with a simple, “Well folks. Shall we?” Soon, the area was cleaned up, trash tossed out, and vehicles re-loaded. One last round of lingering hugs goodbye and the group broke up. As she and Teal’c drove off, Sam gave a contented sigh. Having tomorrow off to rest up was a bonus. 

“Teal’c do you want me to drop you off at the base or would you like to stay over again? We’ve got the rest of the Season 3 DVD’s to watch and you still have your stuff in the spare room.”

“Indeed. I believe that I hear Ben and Jerry calling my name, as well.” 

Sam smiled. “Great. A Buffy marathon it is. I dibs the Cherry Garcia.” 

“I shall likewise claim first rights to the Chunky Monkey.” 

“Deal.” 

It was the most pleasant day she had had in a long time. Sure, things had gone wrong here and there, but the important thing was spending time with the people who mattered most in life. The rest of the drive home was spent in a comfortable silence as Sam contemplated how lucky she was to have the friends she did. 

~~~ ~~~ 

There was very little traffic on the drive back to Jack’s house. He could feel his energy flagging. Judging from the silence next to him, Daniel felt the same. Once they got home, lethargy overcame them. Dropping the picnic stuff in the hallway, they each got a beer from the fridge before settling in the living room. Jack took possession of his usual chair while Daniel sprawled out on the couch, one foot still on the floor. 

“Murphy’s Law was out in full force today.” Jack slouched in the chair, sipping his beer. “Overslept, unwrapped presents, no ice, wrong park.” He flicked a finger out to tick off each point. 

“Dead car battery, wrong cake, broken laces, missing bikini top.” Daniel gestured with his beer bottle as he continued the list.

Jack was tempted to add “Lube as party favor” to the list but he didn’t think Daniel would be able to laugh about it yet. “Still, we had a good time. It was your typical summer picnic. Cold drinks, hot food, swimming for the kids, lazing around in the shade for the adults…” 

“Teal’c declaring war on the squirrels,” added Daniel.

They traded grins. 

“Yeah, ‘cause nothing says ‘summer’ like the dull thud of small mammals raining from the trees.” Jack took another sip of beer. “So, what do you want to do tonight?”

“Anything that does NOT involve getting out of this chair for at least the next hour is fine by me.” 

“Wuss,” said Jack fondly. “Tired out from a picnic.” 

“AND very little sleep after a mission with more hiking than the last three missions combined, yes.” Daniel slid farther down, shifting the throw pillows behind him with one hand. “Besides, I don’t see you hopping up out of your chair.”

“Oh, I’m just waiting for you to get up first.” 

A comfortable silence fell between them. Jack thought he saw Daniel’s eyes flutter as though he was falling asleep where he sat. He considered himself lucky to have someone as wonderful as Daniel not only accept his love, but love him back. Despite his gruff façade, Jack would do anything to keep Daniel satisfied even though he wasn’t always very good at it. A chronic case of ‘foot in mouth’ disease tripped him up regularly, but he did his best to make up for it. 

Jack sighed contentedly. It was the quiet times like these that he liked best. He loved to watch Daniel’s face in repose. Sometimes he would study the shape of his face, the line of his nose, the curve of those incredible eyebrows, the angle of his neck and shoulder and try to figure out just what it was that made Daniel so handsome. He knew it was a silly, romantic, and- god help him – sappy thing to do, so never in a million years would he admit it to his lover. He suddenly realized that Daniel’s eyes weren’t closed all the way. 

“You’ve got that funny smile again,” Daniel said softly. “Mostly sweet but kind of sad all rolled up together.” 

“Just wishing it was hockey season,” he quipped. 

When Daniel raised an eyebrow inquiringly, Jack found it ridiculously endearing. A warm rush of affection rolled through him, though he did his best not to let it show. He knew he was totally whipped – he just didn’t want Daniel to figure it out.

“Uh-huh.” Daniel’s tone was highly skeptical, but he allowed the conversation to turn. “Because you wanted to watch a game, but there aren’t any on?” 

“Exactly.” Jack waved his bottle for emphasis.

“That can’t be the only thing you could think of doing tonight.” 

Watching Daniel might be his favorite thing to do, but his second favorite thing... “Wanna hump my leg again?” Jack asked hopefully.

Daniel tipped his bottle, chasing the last swig of beer. “Not at the moment, but I will spoon up behind you as we fall asleep if you want to go to bed.” 

Jack nodded. “It’s a deal.” 

Slowly, the two hauled their tired bodies upright, then walked down the hall to the bedroom. Stripping out of their clothes, they climbed under the covers. It took a few minutes of adjusting to get settled in position. As promised, Daniel spooned up behind him; one arm folded against Jack’s back, the other draped over his waist, their hands entwined. Jack’s body seemed to get heavier once he lay down. There were a few minutes of silence, but he knew it wouldn’t last. Daniel always had to ask just one more question before he went to sleep. Jack had learned to wait for it before nodding off; otherwise the sudden sound would jolt him out of his drowse and keep him awake longer.

Finally, warm air puffed against his neck as Daniel mumbled, “When Nana Broussard hugged us as we left, what did she whisper to you?”

Inwardly, Jack groaned. Of all the questions to pick. “Oh it was nothing.” Jack did not want Daniel to know about that.

“It must have been something - you got an odd look on your face.” 

“No, really. It was nothing.” 

“No, really. It was something.” Daniel sounded more alert, which meant he was fully prepared to keep this up until he got his answer. 

Flushing, Jack gave in. “She said “You boys are lucky. In my day we had to make do with Vaseline.”

FINIS


End file.
